plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
