i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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