Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
