pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
