i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
