i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
