he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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