I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
