remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN