Barsexuality is the new black.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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