I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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