Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
