he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
