i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
