My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
