I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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