I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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