was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
