i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
