So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
