i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
