how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
