he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
