they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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