I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
