More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
