I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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