I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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