dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
