Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
