dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
