They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
