How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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