Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
