My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
