I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We had to coat check the pizza.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
this is an emotional support booty call
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
