I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
50% drunk capacity currently
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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