I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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