so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
