Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
