Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Damn victory sex feels great
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
