i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
