i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
