What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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