You can't motorboat a personality
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
