Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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