he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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