Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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