The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
