waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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