There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
