I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think i peed on brittanys purse
he shaved USA in his pubs
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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