Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
