a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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